This way. We'll sit over there.
Welcome.. l'm Red Rocks. And this is my son, Bambi.
Thanks, chief. We're not hungry.
This is Barren Rocks, Crying Rocks, Pink Rocks, and the other Rocks..
We're among rocks.
Yes.. The occasion of our visit is a happy one.
We've come to obtain the blessing of the tribal chief...
...for the marriage of our boy, Unwanted Hair, and our girl, Pajero.
But Unwanted Hair is a girl's name.
-You see, my mum always wanted a girl. -So she didn't have one?
Well, did she?
No, l guess not.
The Cherokees are our brothers.
lt's a ioy for us that they marry and multiply.
Crying Rocks, light the incense!
Bring the gonads!
-What are gonads? -Crystal bowls.
Step into the middle, bridegroom.
These bu_alo balls will bring blessings on your family.
Epiesa!
Sheda!.. Blow!
May they do their iob!
We'll smoke a peace pipe tomorrow at dawn and finish things o_.
Now go back to your place.
Break up the gathering!
Aziz Efendi..
We'll get you officially married back in town. Try a blow job then!
-Are you OK? -Sure.
The chief was ierking me around.
lf only you'd been here last week. It was a local produce week.
Local produce?
Welcome once more! Here you go.
Fuck the lot of you!
Speak, bridegroom, speak! The balls have done their job.
This is nothing. There are greater things to come..
Fuck o_!
-Hey, it's me. Aziz! -Oh right.
lt hasn't done a lot to me.
l'm a local here, right? So l should be treated like a local.
lf they don't want my land, they want something else.
They want our beads and give us firewater.
The guy gave us fake firewater!
The boy lost his sight. He's blind. Look!
They say he talks to the trees and the river.
But the boy can't see who he's talking to!
The other day, my boys... The sheriff has that stooge.
-Right. Chuck. -Aha.
They were pulling a tick o_ his head, but the guy wouldn't stand still.
-Suddenly they'd scalped him by mistake. -Ugh!
Then it's, ''lndians are evil. Watch their asses.'' What lies!
l want to say something. l like you. You're a decent human being.
l mean.. The persecution you're subjected to.. It's both..
Chief, do you have any cookies or anything?
Come on, time for bed.
Aziz Efendi, my leg's gone. My leg!
Man, what's the problem? l've got two. You want to cross your legs?
No. But l have to stand up.
Stand up, man! Stand straight up..
Hey.. Where's Suzan? Agh!
lt's done nothing to me. Nothing at all.
l'm iust o_ to talk to the ants over there. l'll be back. OK, bye!
-Get them to do some work! -OK.
Watch out!.. Atotem pole!
The totem pole's looking at us, Aziz!
l respect you as a folkloric thing but l can't worship you, totem pole!
Totem pole... Je t'aime.
Man, don't smoke the stuff if it doesn't do you any good.
What's the story, son? You delivered the diamond?
No, we didn't.
Here.
You don't want it?
Crumple!
Hey!
Psst, Lemi!.. Lemi!
-Lemi! -Huh?
Get up!.. Lemi!.. Don't forget why we're here!
-Psst, Lemi! Who am l? -General Logar.
General Logar? Fuck him! What's wrong with you, man?
Aziz, l feel dire.
Listen! l'm o_ to look for the diamond. Stay right here.
OK.
Don't move! Gambler!
Unwanted Hair!
No. Aziz _fa, undercover agent. For the secret services.
-But the secret's out now. Step out! -Drop the gun!
-l'm Red Rocks. -l know you are.
l'm here to get back the sultan's diamond.
So you're a Turk..
They say the Turks are Indians. Is that right?
No! Wrong way round. They say the Indians are Turks.
Cut the crap and hand over the diamond.
Whoa! You're saying Iet's grab the diamond and go, huh?
That's not what l said. l said, hand over the diamond.
-Paiero.. -No!.. Suzan Van Dyke!
You planned to nab the diamond while everyone was asleep, right?
That's bullshit, Suzan! Stop being paranoid.
-Don't move, anyone! -Lemi!
-Pontiac! -Alias Johnny Lesh!
-Make up your fucking minds! -Johnny Lesh at the end of the day.
l'm Johnny Lesh. l'm here to kill you.
Johnny Lesh! You, huh? Mary Lou's killer!
Mary Lou? Don't even breathe my mother's name! Did you tell him?
-No way! -Unwanted Hai...
l'm Unwanted Hair! Look at me when you speak!
-Unwanted Hair! My child! -What hair? What child? What is this?
Get the diamond out! Don't make me shoot!
Almighty Manitu! l've looked everywhere for you, Johnny Lesh!
Did l have to meet my mortal enemy when l'm so powerless?
-l have the girl. You handle the chief. -Lemi, don't shoot Suzan.
Suzan! You know he's not Johnny Lesh! We told you.
Ah! Don't, Aziz! Dad, stop!
-Why the hell did you shoot me? -Everything got so confused.
-My child! -Dad!
Well, child..
l met her in Greenville as a young man.. She was dancing.
We fell in love.
She ran away with me.
The elders were furious. They were against it. But l held out.
We were happy.. Then you were born.
One day, when l was out hunting, Johnny Lesh descended on the village.
He killed Mary Lou right there.
They said you were cursed and made me pay for it.
They wanted me to kill you, to kill my baby!
l didn't have the heart.
l sent you down the Crying River.
Do you forgive me? Do you forgive me, child?
Johnny Lesh got what he deserved. We buried him, chief.
But l guess you have the sultan's diamond.
You must give it back to us. This is no Indian-white man war, chief!
You're not our enemies. Especially if you're Suzan's dad..
Thanks, son.
But l have a weakness.
After losing my loved ones l turned to gambling.
l was left with no land, nothing.
Every night in Cannonball l sank deeper into ruin trying to win back my losses.
-Your diamond... -Yes?
-l iust gambled that away too. -Agh!
-Where did it go? -To Lloyd.
Sheriff Lloyd has the diamond.
Unlucky in love, lucky in gambling!
ldiot! Screw your stick-on beard! Like l wouldn't realize!
Chuck! Let's hide this somewhere safe right away.
Aziz!
-Where are you going? -Back to Cannonball, Suzan.
-l'm coming too. -Spend some time with your dad.
We'll come and say goodbye as soon as we're done there.
Wait, guys! l lost the diamond, so l'll get it back!
How, chief? They want your head in town.
Just let them try!
Bravo.. Bravo, my boys!.. Bravo! You're looking good.
Chuck! Finish painting this one. Do these two as well.
Stick that on your head. That's it.
Nice!
Bravo.
Now listen carefully.
Do those war cries, whoop whoop, and stir up a scene.
Make the folks here think they're being routed by Indians.
OK?
Have you got that?
Hey, iust a second. He's bringing the chief.
Huh? The guy still has his head on his shoulders.
Scram! Get out of here! Idiots!
Chuck! l'll high-whack you one! Go get me a cola, damn it!
The Sioux chief Red Rocks! Come along for a close-up look!
Suzan, we'll be right back.
Ah!
l know you! You married a white girl, but then they killed her!
The little girl vanished. l remember! She was from Greenville, right?
Baker! Come and take a photo of us. Is that all right?
OK, l'm doing it!
Get one of me too!
Now from here! Me and the chief. Another like this. And like this.
Now from the side! OK, enough! Stop! Good thing l said something.
Anyone else for a photo?
Right, ioin the line!
Stick it in here. Here you go.
What are you doing, man?
You shame yourself, Lesh!
l tell you to bring me his head and you make the guy famous!
lt's _andalous! All those pictures he had taken!
Forget the cola now!
You said the chief had the diamond but l'm told you have it.
l never said the chief had it!
Anyway, have you done the iob to be asking about the diamond?
Keep your nose out of this! It's between me and Johnny Lesh.
Forget Johnny Lesh! We're Ottomans. l'm Lemi Galip. And this isAziz Vefa.
Ottomans, huh?
l should have known from the accent. ''Gala gulu, gala gulu..''
Let's have the diamond or l'll riddle you with bullets!
This star didn't iust drop out of the sky, you know!
l'm the law here!
Want to shoot me and grab the diamond, huh?
Go on! Shoot if you dare!
Tell us where the diamond is or your man dies!
Fine, let him. Good riddance for the town.
Crazy Turks coming to play cowboys.. You think l'd fall for that?
l'll hide that diamond so well seven generations wouldn't find it.
-Go on, shoot! -Hand it over.
-Go on. -Hand it over.
-Go on. -Aziz, cool it!
-Go on. -Aziz, OK!
Aziz and Lemi...
l'll get 'Wanteds' out for them both, then the jerks will see what's coming!
Let's catch them ourselves, sheri_! They're right here.
Chuck..
Get that hand down!
Run and get me a cola, fast!
Just let the nectar slip down..
Hands o_!
That's great, thanks.
So the chief has a few fans in town!
What's up? What did the sheri_ say?
We'll talk back in the hotel. He won't say where it is.
Guys, it's a poker night. Give me a chance.
l'll get the diamond off him. Huh?
lt says 'no feathers' on the door. l guess you didn't see it.
l'm here to clean you out, Lloyd. Underpants included! l've got cash.
Go on, sit down then, if you can hold a hand of cards.
Get lost!
Fruit sodas for the spectators! It's on me.
Cut the cards.
-l open with 100. -Call.
Three cards.
And three for me.
Another 250.
500.
Two pair, queens.
You win!
You took lessons from the totem pole?
-Manitu's on your side. -Another coffee!
Open a tab for the spectators! Enough! How many co_ees is that?
Full house queens.
Full house nines.
-We're going out for a bit. -l'll be here.
Good man, chief!
lt's going great.
-We're doing great, Aziz. -Really?
-lt's amazing! He's cleaning up. -Ooh!
l want the diamond, Lloyd.
Wait.
-Aziz, throw me a tenner! -What's up?
Everything's fine. l'm raising the stakes.
Oh God, chief!
-Ah! -Ah!
-What's up? -Dad?
-Chief? -Everything's fine.
-Chief, what happened? -Dad?
'And while Isadora, brushed by the sweet breeze...
'...tried to hide her blushing cheeks..#
'...Jack grabbed her by the waist and pulled her to him#
'Their bodies merged, drawing their lips irresistibly together#
'Jack was no longer iust a cowboy. He was a man too#
Oh my God! Show me a cowboy like that!
-Watch it! There's a man around! -Whoa.. Aziz!
-Are you reading a novel, Suzan? -Huh?.. l'm cleaning my gun.
How clean can a gun ever be?
Hey, you became a real cowboy with the banjo and stu_.
Get out of here! It's just boredom, that's all.
But it's not much good for our music. That's because the system's di_erent.
-Our notes are kind of _rewed up. -Screwed up? Hmm..
-You mean like me.. -Don't say that!
The musical system's di_erent. You go Do-Re-Mi; we have commas.
Hah. You guys always say to watch out for Mi. Is that because of the commas?
Right. Like this, for example. Do.. Re..
Dooo.. Reee.. Miii... Miii.. Faa.. Mi..
-That's Mi?.. That was all Mi? -Exactly. Because of the commas.
l see. That's great.. Hey, play something, won't you?
-Shall l? -Go on.
OK, here goes..
Down to the railroad.. Ain't mamma let me go again..
Down to the..
Now something more our style..
l lament to no one..
l weep at my plight..
l shake like a criminal as l contemplate my future..
Wow!.. What weird lyrics, huh?
Yes, well they kind of lose meaning translated into English.
But it's like they de_ribe me. 'l weep at my plight'.. Ha-ha..
-Why would you cry, Suzan? -Why wouldn't l, Aziz?
l'm 22 and l've only iust found out my mum was a cancan girl...
...and my dad's an Indian.
My dad was a street porter. But mum had to carry the full load.
So?
Well, people used to tease me.
But in the end, he's a dad. You have to love him as he is.
-He's a bit of a gambler. -l'm talking about being Indian!
But so what if he's Indian or white?
Sooner or later everyone will realize the whole world is brothers.
-Oh yeah? The whole world brothers? -Except us two. Here..
Sure, you get odd incidents where people go for each other..
But you can't talk about world war. Has there been a world war up to now?
We're in the 19th century. Has there ever been a world war?
No. But that doesn't mean there never will be either.
Look, one or two is OK, Suzan.
Hold this.
lt isn't iust the notes. l guess you're 'comma-tose' too.
Of course l am..
l'm crazy about you!
Crazy about me?
But do you really think we're such a good match? Huh?
l mean.. It's like we're worlds apart.
For one thing, l chew tobacco. And you guys have banned tobacco.
Damn it! That was Murat IV! The 17th century!
Drop your preconceptions, will you!
lf it's not camels, it's this ban or that ban. That's all bullshit!
And there's the four wives thing. What will you do?
Take another three and lock me up in the house?
They always go on about that. Four wives..
We have a character called Hürmüz of the Seven Husbands.
No one mentions her.
You're from the east for a start.
But that's exactly why you're right for me!
Horse, woman, gun! You have it all!
No. No, l know that story.
So what'll happen when you take me back?
Your elders won't want me. There'll be a big fuss.
l've already been dumped in the Crying River.
What are you going to do? Dump me in the Golden Horn?
lf any guy did that to you, l'd sink them in the Golden Horn!
Not even the Japanese would haul him up 100 years from now.
Forget this east-west war. The east has its good sides too.
-Like what? -Like me.
-Your moustache is intriguing.. -So is yours, baby.
Another all-nighter.. There we go.
l've been playing years and he thinks he can wallop me! Jerk!
Hand these out to the poor.
Give the feathers to the women for stuffing pillows and whatnot.
lt makes me crazy knowing he has the diamond...
...and not being able to get it.
Boniour!
Morning, Aziz.
l'd blow his brains out, but where would that get us?
Just great! The chief blew all the money at poker last night.
l dropped by the tribe and got some stu_ to wear.
l guess these are yours. The boys gave me them.
Sorry about that.
What's up? What's with the long faces?
Huh? What's up?
Maybe l can get something out of the sheri_.
-Using my feminine charm... -No! l won't allow it!
-What feminine charm, Suzan? -What's wrong with her feminine charm?
Everyone in town must work on it. Even the slightest clues may help.
Let's find out where he's hidden that diamond.
-My Indian instincts tell me... -Spare us, chief!
We saw those instincts last night.
-You're right, son. -Son?
lnstincts..
Come on, guys! Let's go.
-How's things, Betty? -Come round, come round!
Did you make that?
Greetings to your mum.
af you go now.
Father, l want to confess.
Man, haven't you drowned in sin by now?
So be it.. Get in there.
Why don't you stand up? Then l'll hear you better.
l'm standing already.
Forgive me.. What's your name?
Aleiandro GomezArias Jose Lobredo Alfonzo Mlla de Sandoz.
Damn your name! Keep it short. Come on, the metre's running!
-l stole Juan Jimenez Garcia's horses. -Keep going, son.
And l've killed the child inside me, father!
Agh!
Abortion.. The greatest sin of all!
-Will the good Lord forgive me? -Be strong and He will.
Now step outside.
God is always great. He's sure to forgive you.
Hands up!.. l arrest you in the name of the law!
Came to confess, did you? Asshole! That's one thing. This is another.
-Get moving! -Give me another chance, sheriff!
To hell with your chances!
Sheri_, could we settle it like this?
What the hell was that?
-Ah! Let me see your earrings! -Huh.. Sure, go ahead.
You never wear iewellery, Betty. How come?
Right. l'm the sheri_'s wife but l have nothing to show for it.
That's crazy! The sheri_ loves you. It's obvious.
He got you a diamond necklace, huh? It's the talk of the town.
Not for me. He's going to sell it. He wouldn't even let me try it on.
a course he didn't. He's giving it to me.
He said so himself. He said he'd give it to me.
Well, fine..
Your dad has a diamond at home. Has he ever mentioned it?
What diamond? Mind your own business!
Anyway, dad said you'd be under American rule in 20 years.
He was talking about your mum when he said ''American rule''!
-Get going! -Let's go, guys!
We loved it!
Fucking Chucky..
Almighty God..
These are the sins l've committed today.
Taking a bribe for the Jessys' land..
Groping the neighbour's girl, Mary Lane..
Taking a 20-buck backhander just now..
That's all l can think of for now.
-What's up? How did it go? -So-so.
l found out a few things. l had pie and stuff. You?
They said l'd get something out of the kids, but nothing.
l have another source anyway. Let's see.
-Do one for me, will you? -Really?
-Aziz! l'm going back to the hotel! -Agh!
-Ah! It's stuck. It's stuck. -Wait.
-Careful though. -Wait.
But wait.
Pull..
Agh!.. Ah!
Your moustache has gone too.
-Oh my gosh.. So how's it look? -Good.
-The earrings look great on you. -You think so?
But l didn't get to try any of that.
Well, we should be grateful for hairless mercies.
OK, then l'll.. l'll go back to the hotel.
-l should get cleaned up. -Off you go then.
His wife doesn't know a lot.
But he plans to sell the diamond, or so he said. That's a risk of course.
-Lemi? -Huh?
He muttered something in the church.
l tried getting a gramophone recording but the quality's terrible. Listen..
''The idiot stole milk and two goats he'd been herding on the mountain..''
-Nah. -No.
''Let it be my duty to shut them up..''
No.
''Soon as l've sold that diamond l'm out of here.''
''The fuckers will never find me.''
-Ah! -Yes!
That's it!
l got a photo of him on the sly, but it'll only be ready in 10 days.
On the sly?
What the hell was that?
Aha.
-Didn't you have some other source? -Right.
-l know where the diamond is. -How do you know?
l got it out of Chuck.
-Chuck, where's the diamond? -ln the safe.
-So how do we get it from the safe? -We don't. He'll give it to us himself.
Here's the scheme l've dreamed up.
The Forty Rivers Oil Wrestling Championship.
-Oil wrestling.. -Aha.
We did it once too, but stopped when the oil ran out.
Huh?
What's 18 June? The liberation of Cannonball!
Who's the bastard scared of? The district governor.
Lemi, wire the governor right away.
'The Ottoman Sultan has declared Cannonball a twin town of Tophane#
'A wrestling contest will be held on liberation day..#
'...with the prize of a diamond necklace. Your presence will be an honour, etc#
Once it's signed Sheriff Lloyd we're all set.
Aziz, you're a genius. Bravo! It's brilliant.
You think it'll work?
-Fate will decide. -And the wrestling gear?
We'll fix that.
They're still hanging around.
They're up to something for sure. But we'll figure it out.
Chuck! Get me that list of deadly gangsters!
l need to find a wacko to even the score with them.
No, wrong one! Get me the one with mother and father killers!
Jesse James.. No, no good.
Billy the Kid.. Still wet round the ears.
Hoss from 'Bonanza'.. Who put this angel face in here?!
Take him out before the boy gets in trouble.
-That's the one.. Buck Berry! -Sorry, sheri_?
Chuck!
Keep still, damn it!
Buck Berry of Brokeback..
Only you can handle this, Buck Berry!
No hick shows up here and takes the law into his own hands! Right?
And there's that baldhead, right?
Just wipe the floor with him so l'm proud to be a Cannonballer!
-Selam aleykum! -Aleyk...
l hear you're holding a wrestling contest, sheri_.
-l've come to sign up for it. -Forget the wrestling and sit down.
Buck Berry of Brokeback.. Buck Berry has a complaint against you.
l'm a man of the law. It's not for me to get involved.
Buck Berry is challenging you to a duel.
l accept his challenge.
l gather you're Ottoman, Aziz Bey?
Yes, from Istanbul.
l've heard all about Istanbul's baths. Turkish hamams!
Yes. l'm actually from Samatya, but l have friends in Galata.
-lf you're passing... -Ah! But l can't get away!
Always on horseback.. But a visit to the hamam, the heat, the lather..
But you sweat in a hamam.
-Ha-ha-ha! l know what you mean. -Well, l don't!
What's going on? What happened to the duel?
Such a fine gentleman can't be shot! Adrink in the saloon, Aziz Bey?
You go ahead. l'll ioin you later. l have respect for everyone.
Sheri_, put me down. Goodbye, God speed.
See you again. You can buy me a drink one day.
-With pleasure.. -Ah! l do hope so.
What the hell are you doing?
l say kill the guy and you're all set to get yourself killed! Pansy!
l'll ram you right here, sheri_! Stop getting on my nerves!
Aziz Efendi..
Aziz Efendi, you need breaking in. Let's practice and get you in shape.
Wait, don't oil me. Stop! You'll land me in trouble.
-Rub some on my back. -Wait! You don't know the story. Move!
-Who's that? -Get moving!
Bald or blind, only you can help yourself, as they say.
Look this way.
Look this way, damn it!
Go say the sheri_ challenges him to a duel after evening prayer.
And you go to the bell tower as always.
OK, a little action now. Let's see you vamp it up.
Don't be iealous looking at us..
Find your match and be happy in marriage..
-Ha-pp-yy.. -Happy in marriage..
-Don't be... -Suzan.. Suzan!
-l found this at home. And an umbrella. -Thanks, Betty.
lt'll be the first time l wear anything like this.
Take a look. What do you think?
-Come over here. -Aziz!
l hope you're not wasting your time. There's no answer to the telegram yet.
lt'll come, baby. Hopefully..
-What happened to that horse stunt guy? -We're waiting for an answer.
Aziz, our poetry reader's here. Go on, sweetie.
An Apache weeps.. There are tears in his eyes..
-He was a lonesome.. -Aziz Bey!
What do you want?
Sheriff Lloyd challenges you to a duel on the square. At 6.OO.
-Aziz.. Let me go instead. -l'll face the sheri_!
-Suzan, you can't risk your life! -Aziz, this is my game.
lt's child's play for me. You can't pull a gun faster than me.
-l'm fast too! Look! -Hey! That's my gun.
Huh.
Go on, pull that gun. Let's see how fast you are.
Suzan, how can l pull a gun on you?
lf you're faster than me, you can go to the duel. Now go on!
-Suzan.. -Go on!
-Chief.. -Go on!
-Chuck! -Lemi!
-Go on! -Make up your fucking minds!
Tell the sheriff he'll be taking on Suzan Van Dyke.
Let me check up on that crazy man of mine.
-Child.. -Dad..
Aziz..
Look here! If you put this in your memoirs, l'll kill you!
This is the calm before the storm. There are greater things to come..
Get out of here!
Hey, what's that vulture doing?
-Hey, what are you doing? -Measuring the lady.. For the coffin.
lf you need measurements, l'll do it. Here.. 25 cm. Beat it!
Suzan, l'm going to give you my mum's talisman.
lt'll protect you from all danger.
Maybe not. OK. l love you, Suzan.
-l love you too, Aziz. -Hey, come on, baldhead!
Clear off or you'll get a knife in your ass.
-Clear off too, you lot. -Good luck!
When the duel's done just get the fuck out of town!
There!.. On the roof!
Agh!
That was so predictable coming from you.
Son of a bitch!
-Suzan.. -Aziz!
-Aziz, here's your mirror back. -Good job, Johnnie!
Actions speak louder than words.
A man's rank of mind is mirrored in his deeds.. Nice work, Johnnie!
This sorry mind is unequal to such wit for the balance cannot bear the weight.
Ziya Pasha..
That's my man!
Sheri_ Lloyd? There's a telegram for you.
Get away!
The governor's office, it says..
An invitation, huh?.. KIrkpInar oil wrestling..
Under the patronage of the great Ottoman sultan, huh?
And it says l organized it!
Whoever sent the telegram can rot in hell!
Governor Wilson is coming. The mayor will show up.
There'll be people from the district governor's office.
How can l give away that huge diamond with my own hands?
-God! Just be rid of it! -Fuck you and your vinegar water!
-Hey! Go play outside! This minute! -Go on, hit him! Hit the boy!
Hit him on the head so he's crazy like his brother.
What am l going to do?
l'm losing it. They'll all be here tomorrow.
l'll kill myself.. l'll kill myself!
lt's not so easy, miss. The thing's like a chandelier crystal.
-Hey, what did you say? -Chandelier crystal!
-Nice one, Chuck!.. High five! -Please, sheriff!
l mean it for real this time.
Agh!
Fuck your dad's enemies!
Achandelier crystal, right? Ha ha ha!
Your local costumes are great too.
-You could be a bridegroom! -Thanks, chief.
-How do l look, dad? -As beautiful as your mum, sweetie.
OK, l'm going in there.
-OK, good luck. -Thanks, baby.
-Lemi! -Aziz?
-Guess who's here? -Who?
Bu_alo Bill! You're doing the opening speech.
So this is the real McCoy..
Then it's the horseback cowboy. l gave him money..
-And here l am, honey.. -Nice! O_ to your horse!
The governor's here. The governor!
Lemi Galip, sir. From the Treasury.. Welcome!
Aziz Vefa from intelligence. But that's a secret.
-Good to meet you. -Welcome.
Mr Governor. William Lloyd, sheri_ of Cannonball.
-Good to meet you. -And l'm his wife, Betty Lloyd.
-A pleasure, lady. -lt's all clean. Please have a seat.
Please.. Go ahead.. l've organized everything!
Get up from there! You're sitting somewhere else.
Get out of here!
Mr Governor, we've been buddies with our Indian brothers for years.
l'd also like to give you the prize we'll be presenting to the winner.
Thanks.
-Sir, we're starting. -Go ahead.
One, two, testing.. One, two, testing.. Testing..
Aziz..
Ya yay..
Mr Governor.. Mr District Governor.. Mr Mayor..
Our Indian brothers and sisters.. And people of Cannonball..
l'm looking around to see if l've forgotten anyone.
Since our sultan has declared the Istanbul district of Tophane..
...to be a twin town of this distinguished community...
...l am delighted now to present a pageant...
...of the liberation of Cannonball from enemy forces by the home guard.
An Apache weeps.. There are tears in his eyes..
He was a lonesome cowboy.. He rode over mountains..
Weep, cowboy, weep! Let me weep too!
Let me give you a patch of these lands!
Get up and do something too. Go on! We need to get in with the governor.
American cowboys ride around with no underpants, bareback..
And now for Suzan Van Dyke's shooting show!
Get out there! Ouick! Mind you don't shoot the governor.
Five minutes to go, guys.
Wrestler!.. Wrestler! The gallant are out there!
Every one as manly as the next..
Kick like horses.. Fight like lions..
Here you have the arena.. And here the wrestlers.
Don't waver if you're underneath.. Don't swagger if you're on top..
Grab his crotch if you're underneath..
Get a hand in his pants if you're on top..
The winner is.. Aziz Vefa!
Nice one, Aziz!
-What does the winner get? -His head.. What's it to you?
Watch the show!
The winner is.. Little Joe!
The winner is.. Aziz Vefa!
The winner is.. Dumb John!
-Go for it, Aziz!.. Bravo! -The winner is.. Aziz Vefa!
The winner is.. Big Ben!
Nice work, Aziz!
Are you really thrashing them or are they just being nice?
They're being nice.
-We've got the diamond, Aziz. Huh? -Right.
-There's iust a small detail left. -What, him?
No, not him. That guy.
What do you want? He's oily enough. Go away!
Go on, Aziz! You're doing great. Good luck!
Bravo, Aziz! Bravo!
-ls he dead? -No.
l fed him two bowls of beans before the contest.
He did well to last that long.
The winner of the contest.. Aziz Vefa!
Come on, Aziz. The governor's waiting.
l'm so happy, OSuzan.
Well done, baldhead. Congratulations.
You won with your own hands.
Mr Governor, please, you do the honours. Here you are.
-Congratulations, Aziz Bey. -Thanks, sir.
How do you say? You've won a great victory in this arena.
So l present you with this prize. Here you are.
-Aziz Bey? -Have a seat.
-Aziz, the diamond's a fake. -l can tell.
-The real diamond's in the safe. -l think l know where the key is.
How come?
-l got it out of Chuck. -You got it out of Chuck?
-Chuck! Where's the diamond? -ln the safe.
-Where's the key? -Up the sheriff's ass.
Fuck you!
l didn't take him seriously at first. But it all falls into place now.
Wait here.
-Mr Governor? -Yes?
lf l may, l'd like to challenge Sheriff Lloyd to a show fight.
Of course, as you wish.
-Get going, crook! -But Mr Governor...
-Bring the gear! -But Mr Governor..
Roll the drums!
Lloyd!
Hey, l may have a gammy leg, but you've asked for it, baldhead.
Come on then.. Third world citizen!
There's only one world in my book. And you have no place in it, Lloyd!
-l'll go to the moon then. -You'd say you did, even if you hadn't.
Shut up! Shitty assed imperialist!
You'll get your asses kicked out of the Balkans in the next 50 years!
-Then you'll have your ass in a sling! -No chance!
-Ah! -Ah!
Hey! Get out of there! That's my goddamn boner!
Suzan!
The winner is.. Aziz Vefa!
Feeling better now?
Chief.. He's all yours!
And now, the wedding duet!
l'm so sick of singlehood..
l get no thrill from mistresses..
l'm so sick of singlehood..
l get no thrill from mistresses..
All l want now is to marry..
But where to find a suitable girl?
All l want now is to marry..
But where to find a suitable girl?
l'm so sick of singlehood..
l get no thrill from lovers..
All l want now is to marry..
But where to find a suitable man?
-What was your name, young fellow? -Chuck.
You've got it coming!
But where to find a suitable man?
Here's a girl, a tiny thing..
Will she love me, if l ask?
Here's a girl, a tiny thing..
Will she love me, if l ask?
Mademoiselle, will you give me your hand?
Take my hand now you've won my heart..
Mademoiselle, will you give me your hand?
Take my hand now you've won my heart..
Now l've found my love at last..
You're my blessing from heaven..
Open your arms, fall into my embrace..
May your turn come nem if you're single..
Don't be iealous looking at us..
Find your match and be happy in marriage..
Don't be iealous looking at us..
Find your match and be happy in marriage..
Tell him about the woman. She almost had him in the coach!
Aziz Efendi, enough of the iokes. There was this woman.
Hmmm..
Hey! The kid from the church! You made it to the White House, huh?
-Nice work! -This is nothing yet.
l'm iust pissing in their lemonade for now.
Just wait for the rest..
Well, thanks for that!
Ah! What are you doing here?
Didn't l tell you greater things were to come?
Cheers.
The president, James Abraham Garfield..
Lemi..
Late as it is, l'd like to present the gift of our sultan..
-Here you are. -As a token of our friendship..
Whoa! Incredible! Where did you find this, huh?
You didn't steal it, did you?
-Do you have things like this? -lt's a gift from the sultan's heart.
Fine, but l can't wear this. Isn't that right, Benson?
Now, l have a question for you. Are there camels where you come from?
-Yes, there are. But not your size. -Fine then.
Aziz Bey, a small gift for you from the White House.
Considering you're bound to get your babooshes stolen on the way...
...at least you won't return barefoot!
Aziz, don't lose your rag.
Mr President, Iet me give you an answer.
Bare of foot and bald of head we toured the western realm..
Some was mild, some was wild, some was fine of pen..
You merit the name 'iackass' but let's keep it at 'jack'..
Hand over your shit boots, at least they're a gift back..
High-five, Lemi!
So that's the story Vedat. In fact...
...you'll find Aziz's coup de grace to the president...
...written here in old Turkish. l mean, the whole thing is...
-For real. -For real, exactly.
Here, let's have a look.
-Here. The old Turkish. -Wow.. Extraordinary.
Terrific.
Hey, Zeki, you tell a great story. You had us on the edge of our seats.
So what do you want for the boots?
Twenty.
-Twenty what? -Afyon dinars!
20,OOO bucks. But believe me, that's just for you.
Alpay knows this.
Vedat, if l didn't need the money l seriously wouldn't be selling them.
They're worth a fortune.
Well, Zeki.. l mean, if it was the diamond..
All that stuff's in the museums. So l don't get to see it either.
Just kidding. But to be honest l'm not that interested in the boots.
-You should find a collector. -Right.
-So you're not interested. -l'm afraid not.
-Alpay, OK with you? -Sure.
Vedat, there's something else l thought might grab your interest.
Now this is an emerald encrusted...
-...a solid emerald nunchaku. -Whoa!
-You brought the mimchika? -Nunchaku, not mimchika.
Did you mean 'mimchika'? This nunchaku is solid emerald.
lt was a gift of the sultan to the emperor of China.
And what they've done is, these emeralds...
-Yes? -l'll only go on if you're a buyer.
Well, go on then.
The sultan summons Aziz and Lemi before him...
Whatever the hell they put in this, it gives a wicked buzz.
-A pat on the ass to the makers! -Enjoy!
-You want the formula? -Go on.
Here!
No, not that. Have you never seen Istanbul?
No, but some friends went to Bodrum and talked about it a lot.
They said the nuts there were a sad sack.
Nuts do become a sad sack. Why wouldn't they?
Look, if you have children, don't give my grandkids crazy names.
-What names are OK, dad? -Tongue & Cheese.
-How do you mean? -Red Rocks, Bambi, Tongue & Cheese..
-You don't think? -Do you?
No.
Chuck!
-Did you find this woman? -Nah.
See this woman? She's wanted..
Suzan, l so want to be like you, to be the voice of the townswomen.
With that voice?
My view is you should take on the good things about the east.
My ancestors are said to come from Central Asia, you know?
Huh.. l can tell.
You can tell from the accent, right?
Huh.
So it slips out however careful l am..
l want to unload my sins, father.
Here.
Can you do it with this?
By yourself, over in the corner. Go on.. Go on now.
Ah, woman, ah!
You went before your time and left me with a goddamn crazy.
Agh!
Even if it was a ioke, l hope you won't Iock me in a cage once we're married.
Baby, l'd keep lions if l had a thing for cages.
Well... That makes sense.
l mean, if worse comes to worst, my parents have a house in Samatya.
-We'll live there. -You mean with the mother-in-law?
OK, we'll do it like this. l'll buy you a mansion in Emirgan.
You can live there. With a library. So you can read about music lore..
Right.. So you mean there's no escaping the law, huh?
Well, musically speaking, yes.
Do-oo re-ee mi-ii fa mi-ii..
-You're in pain? -Just screwed up..
La mii-ii..
Hey, not like that. Forwards first.. Like this.
-But we never used it in the film. -We didn't get to shoot once, fuck it!
Well, it's the critics that count.
l'm giving up anyway. This is the last comedy l do.
You're leaving comedy. Leaving it to who?
Man, don't ask questions. l'm not ready for that yet.
Anyway, we finished the whole film without any disasters.
Right, thank God for that.
-Agh! -Fuck!
Agh!
-What the hell have you done? -Wait, l'll suck out the poison.